Russia-Ukraine-Crimea Conflict (2014): Why is Russia invading Ukraine?

Russian President Putin looks on during a news conference following EU-Russia summit in Brussels
Once upon a time there was Mr. Russia. He had many girlfriends-Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Kazakhstan, the Ukraine sisters ( west and east) and many more. They all lived happily in a polygamous relationship and called themselves USSR.

Over time their differences grew and the girlfriends were like “this relationship ain’t workin’ for us honey..we gotta be single for a while and figure out our shit”. So they all broke up with Mr. Russia.

Mr. Russia was sad.

Meanwhile Russia’s rival, Mr. USA , was rubbing his hands in glee and gloating at Russia’s misfortune because, earlier that year, Russia (and his girlfriends) had been in a ‘low temperature'(cold ?) war with USA for a while.

Russia drank a lot of vodka, stopped shaving and became weak and generally forgotten by everyone.

*Fast forward 50 years later.*

Russia has picked himself up. Started working out again, eating healthy and looking nice in general. He had also convinced one or two of his old girlfriends to come back to him (albeit after a bit of lover’s tiff). But he missed The Ukrainian sisters the most. Cause they were the hottest (in his eyes). But he was hesitant about making the move on them.

Then one day he saw that USA was hitting on them. A lot. Plus he heard that USA had invited the Ukrainian sisters to party at a club that he (USA) owned (called NATO or something..not sure). Now Russia knew that one of the sisters still loved him- East. (Infact she even kept some of his stuff (such as the Black Sea Fleet) in her backyard because she missed him.)

So Russia decided that one girlfriend in hand was worth two in (George) bush… er USA’s hand and forcefully eloped with East Ukraine. (this also caused an irreparable rift between the previously super close sisters)

USA and the other guys on the street were outraged and threatened to beat up Russia while Russia was like “fuck y’all… imma marry East Ukraine and drink vodka”.

Meanwhile Mr. India also , kinda, supported Russia cause they had always been bitchin’ friends plus Russia always gave awesomely advanced toy planes and and other stuff to India to play with when the other guys (such as Mr. USA) refused to share with India.

And now everyone is waiting to see what will happen next. Will Russia marry East Ukraine and consummate their marriage ? Will the guys gang up and beat Mr. Russia ? Tune in next week to find out folks !

*credits roll*

The End

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